Why I'm Single? And What You can Learn From It?

Welcome back, candidates! As the title says, this is why I'm single.

As someone who's satisfied in their singleness, it is funny to me when others ask me why I'm single. On a scale of one to ten, one being ready for marriage and ten being satisfied, I'm a twelve and not looking to be married any time soon. So because of this, I don't mind sharing with you all the reasons why I'm single, the reasons why my "exes" would say I'm single, and three important things I've learned along the way.

I'm single because I genuinely enjoy it. As a child, when I envisioned my life, I never saw a man. Now living out so many of my dreams, I'm so happy in the season that I don't think that I ever want to be married. (I know that I feel led to it, but I'm in no rush.) The second reason is due to my high standards. I hold everyone to high expectations, including myself. As a result, the men that have come into my space are also held to that same standard. There are certain traits that I find to be nonnegotiables in a man. As someone who dates to marry, I'm not looking for a passive, soft, or weak man to be in my space. Because of my personality, I prefer someone who will reciprocate when it comes to accountability and encouragement. I just haven't found any relationships yet that reciprocate in that way. Lastly, I'm using this time to focus on education. I'm currently getting a Ph.D., but I'm also learning more about relationships. I didn't focus on learning about what I did(not) want in a college. Now, I'm taking this time to know what I want so I don't fall for anything.

Reasons why my exes would say I'm single: I don't share anything; I have high standards that require men to do the introspective work on themselves; sex is not an option until I'm married.

I've learned throughout the years on my singleness journey that anyone can be married. If you want to be married, you can be, but it's up to you to do what it takes. If you desire to be married, and the Lord has not given you the clearance to do so, you need to reevaluate your motives and desires concerning God's will.

Second, even if your call in life is to be a mom or a wife, God has you in an alone season for a reason. How good of a sister, daughter, friend, cousin, etc. are you in the relationships you already have? Do you give love in those relationships well?

Lastly, it's alright to be you. God has given you purpose, so love ALL that you are. You don't have to be married because anyone else wants you to be. It's not a right of passage. It's a conscious decision that will impact the rest of your life for years to come, almost as much as your relationship with God. So while there is a multitude of reasons for my singleness, I'm so proud of it. I'm proud to walk through it because God is doing so much in this time. He is teaching me to be a better daughter, sister, friend, granddaughter, god mom, aunt, homegirl, etc. I'm learning to be more open, accept people where they are, and be more sensitive to other's feelings. These are all characteristics I will take into a marriage.

5 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Started Dating

I started dabbling with dating at around 15 years old. Over the last almost 10 years, I’ve learned so much about life, love, and relationships from the view of a single woman. So, after much thinking and praying, I’ve compiled a list of 5 things I know now that I wish I knew at 15.

1. It’s not enough to like each other. It’s so much more complicated than that. 

   1. We make it complicated. 

   2. Communication helps with that 

2. The heart is deceiving, so what’s love got to do with it? 

   1. You can talk yourself into/out of loving anyone and anything

   2. It’s alright to be a sexual being. There’s a sin to be sexual. Don’t act on it. Go to Godly counsel. Talk it out. Be honest.

   3. Ensure that you go into any situation with perceptive eyes and not desiring eyes: saves a world of heartache. 

3. There’s nothing wrong with you: being you, having standards, knowing what you want. 

   1. Who says you have to be in relationships? 

   2. What’s wrong with singleness again? You can have friends…

   3. There are miles on your heart… Be careful how far you drive it… it may get callous

4. The answer isn’t Dick/Coochie!

   1. You’re sad, fix it. You’re happy, enjoy it. You’re bored, cure it. 

   2. The angry black woman doesn’t need to be dicked down. She needs to be heard. 

   3. Remember the gateway to your soul is often between your legs… guard it.

5. It’s nice to be desired, but it’s unparalleled to be respected. 

   1. You can be cordial with ex’s if there’s mutual respect

   2. If you know you’re beautiful, what does it matter

   3. Network and community are more valuable than perception. 

While there’s much to be said about relationships, the journey through your love life is an individualized one.  don’t believe the Lord wants us to endure the ups and downs of romance. There is a certain level of ambiguity and unknown to every relationship because everyone’s paths are different, but knowing what the Word says and applying it to your boundaries and desires will protect you from years of hurt, pain, and sorrow.

Always Working Because You Never Arrive

Maybe because I'm young, I feel as though I am ever-evolving. I do yearly update videos. From year to year, the woman on the other side of the screen/camera the next year is so much different from the years prior. I know this will be no different in my 2020 year review. With this, it's easy for me to know that I've not arrived. But at times, I still struggle with this unreal pride in having “arrived” with respect to my peers.

This concept of arrival is what is often warned against by mental health professionals. It's this concept that there is a mental state, monetary value, and/or social status that implies that you are in your final/greatest form. This mindset goes against the Bible (Phil. 1:4-6). 

To fight against this mindset, here are 3 motivators to encourage evolution and growth towards who the Lord would have us to become. 

1. Don't take Him for granted. The Lord is our fortress and our rock. He is a present help for us and a protector of our souls. He's provider, educator, redeemer, etc. In our growth, don't take His relationship and contribution for granted. Grow daily to learn Him and strengthen your relationship with Him, ensuring that he's at the center of all you do. 

2. Don't become prideful in your works. When you keep Christ first, this is a bit easier to do, but never think that you are higher than another man. The word says in Proverbs 3:7, "Do not be wise in your own eyes..." Don't believe that you are so much higher than others because your sin is not their sin or that you’re too good to go through certain situations. 

3. Be open to seeing yourself as God sees you. I often go through cycles with God where I forget that I'm a work in progress. Especially during the good times, I tend to receive a blessing as a "reward" for my "sanctification". I'm actively working to fix these mindset slips; however, to do so, I ask the Lord to show me myself in His eyes. This requires accepting the good, bad, ugly, and even hidden parts of myself that the Lord sees. Even in dying to your self daily, you will sin. Seeing yourself the way God does, allows you to pinpoint and consistently work on correcting those sins. 

Working these steps does not negate rejoicing in the good times. But remember when rejoicing in the advances, work still has to be done. 

Happiness in Every Season

Today's post is a bit of a different one. Attached above is an old video of 19-year-old Mi'Kayla spitting some facts. I discuss how to be happy when you're single. I wanted to clear a few things up. 

Being happy is not just a single problem; it's a life problem. Whether we want to acknowledge it or not, happiness is not guaranteed, only joy is. With this, I have been striving for happiness for years. Through this method, and revamping the method over time based on my life changes, I have found happiness even in times of stress, depression, and anxiety. 

In the video, I discuss that you should investigate 4 valuable questions: who are you? who do you want to be? what makes you happy? what do you want in a companion? 

While I emphasize the first 3 questions in the video, I've come to realize that the last question is very valuable as well. If you are in a space where you are looking to marry, you need to know what you want so that you don't settle for less. At 19, this question wasn't important for me to answer. At 24, it is. Honestly, had I answered it better at 19, I wouldn't have gone through as much as I went through in college relationally. 

Even if you have a spouse, knowing what kind of people you want in your space is valuable. So many times we have "friends" in our space that don't serve us and offer traits that lead to the depletion of our happiness. Knowing what character traits are beneficial and harmful to you will help you deal with stressors caused by others.

I also want to clarify that I don't believe God has us in single seasons for a reason. At least, I don't believe it in the context I discuss in the video. I will get to this on another post one day. But I whole-heartedly know that if someone wants to be married, they can be. You don't have to wait for God's timing. A lot of people don't. Note: I don’t ever recommend stepping out of God’s perfect will.

Lastly, being happy in any season is achievable with the first three steps. You have to want it for yourself. This goes back to building a wellness plan. A wellness plan will answer all of these questions and give insight to the intricacies of why certain things make you happy as you build/grow it.

This is not to say that every day you will be happy if you follow these steps because mental illness and circumstantial influences exist. BUT you are more likely to recover from stressors and find your happiness if you follow these steps. 

Dealing with Jealousy: Hatred, Imitation, and Mockery

Last month, the Lord was dealing with me about surrounding myself with jealous individuals. He had been protecting me from them, but he was now opening my eyes to their behaviors and the subsequent effects on me. Long story short, He is preparing me to learn how to deal with jealousy. Dealing with jealousy within yourself is easy. But maturity is in how you choose to deal with jealous individuals. 

The jealous scenarios He revealed to me were as simple as kids who would name call when I was younger and as complex as family members who consistently make comments. For years, I was so protected by the Lord that I could neither understand nor care about people's jealousy. Or I would love harder, pick up more insecurities, and accept these dysfunctions. 

It took 24 years and the Lord opening my eyes to show me the detriments in all of these. He’s also been showing me how my responses have been sinless, but wrong. 

Don’t get me wrong. This is not haters are gon’ hate type of post. I don’t believe that foolishness.

Last week, some of the insecurities relating to one person, in particular, had resurfaced. Side note: Why I didn’t expect this is beyond me, but here we are. My response was initially apathetic. This turned to pride, then anger, and now sadness. All of these responses are wrong, for reasons I’ll discuss shortly. 

Let’s be honest, we have all been jealous at one point or another in our lives. I remember being in kindergarten and being jealous of a classmate who had gel pens. It started as consistent compliments, then asking to borrow them, then anger when they didn’t oblige, and even theft. It was a whole thing. This situation resulted in a spanking, me giving that classmate the new pack of gel pens I didn’t know my parents bought me in exchange for the one I stole and losing my best friend. My mom quickly got me in check to learn probably the most valuable lessons about jealousy: What God has for you is for you. Be happy for others’ gifts even if you don’t have it. Lastly, why be jealous when God has given you so much more within yourself.

Taking those lessons into adolescence and adulthood, it’s very rare that I get jealous. Because I’m interested in the journey, if I am “jealous”, I typically ask about someone’s process to get what they have. This is not everyone’s perspective. Typically, the internal response to jealousy is hating, imitation, or hypercritical mockery, as stated before. 

Jealousy looks to pick a fight and make you look like the aggressor. For so long, being protected, I would respond by picking up insecurities and changing myself, often minimizing myself to make others feel comfortable. Because of my heart, I want for everyone to “win”. Since jealousy usually makes life competition and goes tit-for-tat, I would give up my calling, hide a trait, or give an idea away for someone to feel like their “winning”.

Last week, I was at a point, where I thought it’d be easier to just quit: quit blogging, quit grad school, quit social media. Maybe if I give up my work they would feel successful? If I need to be the villain for them to succeed, so be it. If I need to be the template to raise their self-esteem concerning my calling (they want to copy), even better. Since I’m the problem, I’ll leave. I will do whatever it takes for you to grow and “win”.

First, this apathy is NOT Christ-centered. Minimizing yourself minimizes your mission to the world. Life, while a collaborative effort, is not a team sport. In the same way, you come into the world, you will leave this world, alone. I cannot hand over my calling to anyone else or minimize my ministry and expect that person to succeed. The Bible says iron sharpens iron, but if I’m not doing what I need to, I’m not sharpening anyone. Lastly, I can neither give up nor compete for MY calling. What God has for me is for me. 

From my apathetic mindset, I picked up pride in the willingness to not compete. Taking pride in anything, but Christ alone is futile. 

Anywho, these two responses have proven to be “successful”, in that I “fight jealousy with love”. This fake love comes at the cost of personally feeling stifled and the other person usually getting angry. This anger turns to spite to prove their point: more direct comments and/or withdrawing, sulking and playing the victim. 

My natural response to this is anger as humanly justified. This response is wrong as well. By the example of Jesus with the Pharisees, you have to love others through your anger. Genuine love is saying the hard truths in love and exposing jealousy for what it is.  

Finally, sadness is an unacceptable response to jealousy. I truly feel sad when I realize that no matter what I do, even if it’s exactly what someone feels I should, it will never be enough to satisfy that person’s jealousy. The truth is, while there is room for everyone to win, not everyone wants to win. Some people are content chasing other people’s dreams forever and staying miserable in comparison. There’s nothing I can do about that. I can lead a horse to water, but I can’t make ‘em drink. 

So what’s the end-all-be-all? Dealing with jealousy is a part of life. While God protects us from some things, at some point we all have to make decisions in resolving it. You can leave, stay and love, and/or accept it, and have appropriate responses to it. Ultimately, you cannot pick up their jealousy as your insecurity, sin in anger, and/or internalize their struggle. 

Moving forward, how am I fixing myself? First, I have to fix my self-esteem and reevaluate my insecurities. I have to undo a lifetime of jealous influence. Second, I’m going to see those encounters for what they are: distractions from my mission. Lastly, learn to love harder. I didn’t know that was quite possible. In the same way that I want others to win, they can. But minimizing myself is stunting everyone’s growth. Be me and love people as I do. If they are jealous or don’t like it, that’s a them-problem, not a me-problem.

Love your Insecurity

Albeit cliche, loving all of yourself is VITAL to all areas of wellness especially in relationships. Through therapy and self-reflection, self dissection of self-love needs can be assessed. I have entire videos dedicated to my journey through learning to love myself. 

But what happens when you get to the things that you don’t like. More specifically, how do you love the insecurities? 

Transparency moment, recently, my insecurities have been on high alert. Most of my insecurities stem from my social anxiety and trust issues. With us being quarantined, I’m increasingly insecure as I’m getting less practice overcoming this anxiety. Nonetheless, I’ve come to realize that I cannot fix/work my insecurities away. 

So to love my insecurities I’ve investigated: Who is responsible for those insecurities? (In relationships, this is a loaded question.) What happens when I try to resolve it, but the insecurity is still there? What happens if the Lord has me wrestle with it some? 

I don’t necessarily have those answers. I don’t think the question should be what is to blame or even how to resolve insecurity. The question is am I willing to allow the Lord to work through them. 

So how do I respond to insecurities? Can I allow God to use my insecurities?

Frankly speaking, if the Lord can use a donkey, how much more can he use me? If He can use a murderer, how much more could he use my skeptical heart? If he used a leper, how much more will he use my social anxiety? 

My immediate response to insecurity is anger. This goes back to my struggle with perfection. Think about it, a chink in your armor is just a flaw. Insecurity comes from that flaw being consistently exposed. It’s hard for me to deal with the reality that I cannot in my strength overcome these discomforts. 

While I have not mastered acceptable responses to insecurity, biblically there are three acceptable response: 

1. Humility

2. Grace

3. Patience

So, instead of fighting it, will I allow God to use my insecurity? He already has. There is purpose in my social anxiety. There is validity in the feelings my insecurities provide. The Bible calls for us to be angry, but not to sin. In this, I can get angry about my insecurities, as long as I don’t sin. Similarly, my social anxiety keeps my heart guarded and makes me cautious about the company I keep. I am also more likely to see the world from an outside perspective because I am slower to speak and always listening. 

I have come to love these parts of myself. I love that I’m not an extrovert and that I can typically bring calm when I step into a room. I have grown to love that I’m not invited to every space, but that I’m loved in the spaces I’m in. 

I wouldn’t have these loves without my insecurities. The obsession with insecurity causes low self-esteem. The dismissal of insecurity causes internal discourse. So I’m not focusing on my insecurities and how they make me feel anymore. I’m going to acknowledge them and allow God to use them for His glory. This new found love will continually mature and strengthen me. 

I am a Christian. I am Sexy.

WARNING: Please be advised. The following conversation is controversial but heartfelt. This is what the Lord has been speaking to me. I am willing to discuss this in the comments below. Thank you.

When you look at this picture, how do you react/respond? Do you question my Christianity? Do you question my intelligence? Do you question my dignity? I hope not. Let’s discuss the elephant in the room. I am a sexy woman. While I don’t often lead with my body, you can’t deny that I offer a certain level of sex appeal. 

This is not because of what I’m wearing. It’s not because of the make up I have on either. It’s not from the heels I had kicked off or even the body shape under the clothes. Sexiness is a mindset, confidence, and a position (posture). 

Let’s go ahead and get this out of the way. Do I believe in the Bible verse that says to not cause your brother/sister to fall? Yes. But I equally believe the verse that talks about sin beginning in the heart. So when I choose to wear a bikini or a tight-fitting dress, the sin is not in my choice. The sin is in the heart first of the person lusting or judging. Logically, I cannot take responsibility for anyone else’s self-control and/or thought processes besides myself. 

Equally, we tend to relieve men of their responsibility to have self-control in exchange for the condemnation of women. The Word says, there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus, but there is accountability. Lastly, if sexiness and sexuality are not interchangeable, how are sex “appeal” and sexual response not treated the same?

I am a Christian. I am sexy. 

As a satisfied single woman, I’ve been investigating the concepts of sexiness. As someone who grew up in the American church, I've uncovered levels of shame, condemnation, misrepresentation, and judgment on this subject. Young women in the church are groomed to be virtuous cookie-cutter copies of "the perfect" woman (a discussion for another day), but somehow they are not encouraged to exercise their sexiness. There is much talk about modesty, meekness, and misogyny to the point of causing fear for women to be around men they find attractive. There’s no conversation, however, about owning your sexual identity. (I’m not talking about sexuality or sexual exploration.)

Sexual identity has been perverted and demonized. I have heard countless examples of young women who keep their virginity until marriage and then feel ashamed after having sex with their spouse. They had experienced so much condemnation for their sex appeal that they were misinformed on the greatest act of worship. 

Because of this, it was important for me to learn my sexiness. The first thing I learned was modesty is not the opposite of sexiness. I have been around some who believe women can’t wear pant. Others feel curly hair is “unprofessional/undone”. Many accept that only skinny women can modestly show their legs. THIS IS RIDICULOUS. Modesty is a human standard, not a biblical standard. (Understand that all verses speaking of modesty were contextually comparing standards of idolatry. In America, we do idolize sex. So no, I don’t believe we should all walk around unclothed, but I do believe there is no shame in shorts and a little mid-drift.). 

The next thing I learned is that I wear what I feel led to wear. There is a level of understanding you gain as you are assured and aware of God in your life. This mindset allows you to see the world through a perspective of God’s omniscience and not your impotence. With this mindset, there is no low self-esteem, because you are aware that God has made you in HIS image.

From self-esteem, you build sexiness in confidence. Once you know the truth, you can have confidence in the truth. This confidence affirms what you add to the world and what value you give. 

Knowing your value then prompts a posture of worthiness. Not to mistake for boastfulness, but you know you are loved and respected. You’ll begin to carry yourself in such a way that people will know how to treat you based on how you treat yourself. 

This is true sexiness. 

This sexiness may shine through when you turn heads in a nice dress or catch eyes in a pair of sweats, but regardless, sexiness is not wrong. If you don't own your sexual identity, someone else will determine it for you. Ultimately, to live an abundant life, sexiness has to be embraced.

How to Live Satisfied in your Singleness

In this “Relationship Goals” movement we are in. There’s much talk concerning courting, dating, marriage, and relationships. For those who are not called to be married, these conversations are a misrepresentation of the Christian walk. In the same way, for those who are called to be married, but are single, their time of singleness is often consumed with "preparation" for their future spouse. 

This view of singleness is limiting. What would a singleness journey look like if God was allowed to lead to fulfilling his mission, without the expectations associated with our desire for the blessing? Said differently, what would happen if the focus of singleness was on God and not the blessing of a spouse? 

As it relates to singleness, over the last five or so years, I’ve been devoted to a satisfied single journey. Under this pretense, I have devoted myself to loving God, loving myself, and doing the work to fulfill my mission and secure my legacy.  This journey is what I have titled a satisfying single life. 

Today, I give you my very basic definition of a satisfied single's journey.  In the video attached, I go into greater detail about my journey in particular and how I've done the work to walk in this level of freedom. 

Building Beyond the Basics

According to the Biblical principles, our goal should be maturity, not stagnation or indifference. What happens once you have the basics down? Where do you go and/or how do you mature along your journey as you and your definitions of wellness change?

You have to build beyond the basics. To a certain extent, you have to have a level of intentionality to build beyond your basics to have your basics grow with you. As shared before, wellness starts with a wellness plan for yourself. Whether written or mental, this plan should be a working document. An ever-changing document, but ever-reminding you of who you are as you change. Building beyond the basics starts with recognizing the evolvement of this document.

As the document evolves, your definitions of wellness should evolve and you will begin to need satisfaction in digging deeper into yourself. The chart below describes some simple ways you may build beyond the basics.

Note that your journey is individualized, so these are suggestions. Also, once you’re in the maturing phase you have not arrived. You should always be putting in the work. Take the example of a home. The basics are your foundation. You cannot have a house without a foundation. The building upon the basics is the building of the home. You need stability, support, and siding to protect the home. Maturity is the upkeep of the home. You could have built a home, but if you don’t clean the home and/or keep it up, you will not be able to sustain the home. Your wellness is the same way.

As we move into the second half of 2020. Keep these principles in mind. With this time home and isolated, many of us have focused on re-centering ourselves with the basics, but now to execute our goals for the rest of the year, we must build beyond these basics and begin to mature in our growth.

Not Just Blessed, But Black; Not Just Black, But Blessed

Recently in my quiet time, I’ve been having these pertinent conversations with the Lord that I’d like to make others privy to. DISCLAIMER: this is what the Lord is speaking to me. It’s controversial. It is an unpopular opinion, but it’s true. Understand that my heart belongs to the Lord first then to myself and lastly to my identity. I do identify as an African-American woman for which I feel the pain of my people. I just choose to react differently. 

In high school I lived in Dayton, Ohio (Beavercreek to be exact). For those who haven’t seen Dave Chapelle’s 8:24, this is the same community for which he lives. It is historically segregated and very much behind as it relates to the redlining, “integration”, and race relations. While living there, I was faced with so many questionable experiences. (So many that I’d save you the time of explaining them all, but) one notable experience was in 2010. My school administration saw it fit to have me write a paper on why blacks should still be slaves. Rightfully, as the only non-first generation African-American student, I found great grievance with it. Nonetheless, some years later when discussing this experience with family friends I was faced with the question, “Which takes precedence in life: blackness or Christ?” 

Thankfully, I’ve had a smooth ten years to chew on and debate this question, but many of us are faced in this time with this dilemma. 

Regardless of how you feel about Christianity, the facts are that American Christianity is rooted in the misrepresentation of Christ to propagate slavery. Whether then or now, the fallacy is the same, that Christianity is often misused for silencing, shaming, and boxing in the racially, gender-oriented, and sexually-oriented oppressed. Taking this into account, I have an independent relationship with Jesus Christ, grounded on the Bible (and its principles that have stood the test of time), not man (any other human other than Jesus). I don’t ascribe to the whitewashed (albeit sometimes with brown faces) American church culture that dictates worship, glorifies slavery, promotes segregated experiences, or idolizes leaders to control and/or gain power and wealth. 

On the other hand, I was born black. I will die black. Regardless of how you feel about African-American culture, you cannot deny it is a direct byproduct of slavery and subsequent systemic and systematic chains that continue to bind today. From these strongholds, I don’t subscribe to the sex culture, anti-male, anti-Christ narratives. Similarly, my blackness is not synonymous with being “real”, profane, and/or ethnocentric. I don’t come from Egyptian royalty. I don’t call on my ancestors or pray to crystals. I see others from a place of companionship based on personality, not racial or socioeconomic background. 

There’s no monolithic Black American experience. In the same way, there’s no monolithic Christ based experience. Everyone’s relationship to life is different. So when faced with the paradox of duality and the hierarchy of importance, I cannot choose. Even if I didn’t identify with one or the other, I am by default both black and Christ-follower if I died yesterday, today, or tomorrow. In the same way, I’m no less Christian for protesting, flipping tables, or demanding change for my rights. The word says, “Learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, and please the widow’s cause” (Isaiah 1:17). I’m no less black if I pray and fast during times of cultural crisis. Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “By opening our lives to God in Christ, we become new creatures. This experience, which Jesus spoke of as the new birth, is essential if we are to be transformed nonconformists … Only through an inner spiritual transformation do we gain the strength to fight vigorously the evils of the world in a humble and loving spirit.” 

To see me, you must accept me in both my blessing and blackness. You must see my spirit and humanity. You must recognize my pain and prominence. So to answer the question from that assignment in 2010. I am neither slave nor Jim Crow free. “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery” (Galatians 5:1). “If the cruelties of slavery could not stop us, the opposition we now face will surely fail. Because the goal of America is freedom, abused and scorned tho' we may be, our destiny is tied up with America's destiny” (Martin Luther King, Jr).

Mid-Year Motivation: What's planned for June?

Hello All!

This month on the blog, I’m planning the content all about the mid-year motivation. In the video, is a brief description of the weekly breakdown.

June 7-13: Self Care

June 14-20: Grow to Grow up! Restarting, revamping, and renewing yourself

June 21-27: How to walk blessed?!

June 28-30: Beyond the basics.

In the attached video, I give a disclaimer for the month to get you both pumped and ready (5:22). I hope this excites you all as much as it does for me.

Until the next post, bye!

Resources for Relationship Hindrances

Hello All,

Here are a list of resources to help continue the relationship hindrances conversation on your own. This is not a topic that I particularly care for. To be quite frank, it’s the area in my life that I struggle the most. So I look to many different resources, including wise counsel, for direction. So most of these resources were given to me. I haven’t gotten through all of them, but my counsel highly recommends.

For the married:

The entire book of Songs of Solomon!

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Song%20of%20Songs%201&version=NIV

Specifically for the singles:

While really cringe worthy the points in this video still are good:

I had some feelings about these books. The points made are Biblically based and indeed valid.

WIth that being said, I’m so excited for us to continue our hindrance series with the last week: Financial/Occupational hindrances. This is one of my favorite topics, and can’t wait to share my story and how I’m overcoming my hindrances.

3 Ways to Build/Repair your Relationship with Yourself

As we’ve discussed the hindrances in relationships, I’ve noted that these hindrances are a direct response to our relationships with ourselves. If you have any of these hindrances, fixing yourself is no easy deal. Here I’ll give 3 ways to strengthen your relationship with yourself and mend yourself to in turn mend your relationship with others.

1. Know your wants and desires.

I talk about this on a regular basis. While it may seem cliche, knowing yourself and what you need is going to set a precedent as to how you will respond to others. For example, I don’t consider myself a needy person, but I do require respect and affection. Knowing this about myself, if I don’t respect myself and don’t take care of myself to the upmost, no one in any of my relationships will do the same. Nothing will ever be enough. Once you know what you want and desire in yourself, you can meet those wants and desires for yourself. Thus, allowing a freedom in your relationships for them to be dual serving. 

2. Love ALL of yourself: OWN your crap!

The Lord gives two basic commands, love the Lord and love your neighbor as yourself. If you don’t love yourself, you can’t love anyone else! Loving yourself requires for you to love even the undesirable parts of yourself. You are going to have to face the reality that you need to own your CRAP! ALL OF IT! If you’re a liar, own it. If you’re a cheater, own it. If you’re selfish, own it. No one is perfect, knowing your weaknesses is the best possible way for you to grow. No one’s inner workings are pretty and that’s facts. Regardless of if you can love you, God loves you, even in your imperfection. But if you can love you in your filth, someone else can.

3. Keep God first. He’s the only one who can change you.

In knowing yourself and loving yourself, there are inevitable things you’d like to change about yourself. God’s power is made perfect in your weakness. Rather than fixating on your short comings, allow the Lord to grow you to where He needs you to be. Don’t fixate on your situation or someone else, but rather what you can do to change you: change your perspective and let God lead! 

While these tips seem inspirational, the point of me sharing this is for you to do the work. The tips don’t help, if you don’t do the work. In doing the work, I’d like to reiterate that this process is not the easiest. It is actually pretty hard. But once you work through it, you’ll be proud of the person you’ve become and how your relationships change as a reflection of you changing. 

Methods to Set up Systems of Wellness

Hello Everyone!

I close out our discussion about systems of wellness, I found the following links particularly helpful. These resources give examples for which you can go from a goal minded form of wellness to a systems minded daily ideal of wellness.

To accompany these videos, I’ve uploaded a podcast style video about my journey with creating systems of wellness and some examples of systems that you may be able to change and adapt for your life.

A Look into My Intentional Wellness Journey

As a bonus this week, I’d like to post my yearly review of 2019. This video will give you a bit of insight into my personal wellness journey: Why I really got serious about wellness? and Different principles of wellness I’ve tried?

Similarly, there’s some great gems about the prep work it took for me to build my systems of wellness. If you’d like to skip through the video, here are some great time links fo you:

2:28 Summary of Q1: Sickness

08:15 Summary of Q2: Recovery

10:14 Practical steps I put in place to start my wellness journey

12:16. Summary of Q3: Enacting systems of wellness

15:00. Summary of Q4: Doing the work

20:38. Relationships?

23:48. Goals and Accomplishments

I know the video is long, but it is a full view into my life and thought process. I hope it brings some hope to you all!

Building a Basic Wellness Plan

Hello Everyone!

Today’s post is a quick video on wellness plans: what are they? and how to start building one? The video is a bit long, but information heavy. I hope it encourages you all on your journey!

Defining Wellness, Identifying When You're Not Well, etc.

Hello Everyone!

This week on the blog we are talking all about basic principles of wellness. On a basic level, per Webster-Mariam dictionary, wellness is the practice, quality, or state of good health as an actively sought goal. Good health from a holistic point of view is good spiritual, mental, emotional, physical, relational, and financial health. As described in the most recent IG post, wellness is defined differently from one person to another. While there may be some overlaps between your wellness and someone else’s, a well life is not a monolithic experience. With that being said, when living a well life, you have to do three basic things: 1. Define/Understand Wellness for yourself. 2. Identify when you are not well. 3. Put systems in place to obtain, maintain, and exercise wellness. 

1. Defining and Understanding Wellness for yourself. 

While there are many resources available on wellness, no one can tell you what makes you well. Wellness is an internal conversation. However, to help, I have compiled a list of questions that should help with understanding yourself, and to spark internal dialogue to lead to your understanding of wellness.

Are you aware of your emotions, thoughts, and how your body feels? What does a good day look like for you? What does a bad day look like for you? How does a good day make you feel? How does a bad day make you feel? When you feel good, what kind of thoughts do you have? When you are feeling bad, what kind of thoughts do you have? When you are feeling bad, do you neglect to go to work or handle responsibilities you have? How often do you have good days in relation to bad days? Does physical activity increase your mood? How often do you engage in thirty minutes or more of physical activity/ sunlight exposure? Do you have hope? Where do you garner your hope from? What positive qualities do you like in your relationships? Do your finances cause you anxiety/ sleepless nights? Do conversations about your finances influence your mood?

Now, take all of these answers into account. To define your wellness not as the feelings that you have on a good day, but the feelings, actions, and responses you have on an average day that are lacking on a bad day. How would you define wellness for yourself?

2. Identifying when you are not well. 

Once defining wellness for yourself. It’s equally as important to know when you are not well. Similarly, asking yourself the following questions can help to understand when you are not well:

1. Am I being self aware: Am I being true to myself? Am I living for myself or for other’s validation? 

2. Are my spiritual, mental, emotional, physical, relational, and financial wellness aligned?

3. Do my actions reflect my beliefs? 

4. Am I clear in thought? Am I struggling to make decisions?

5. Am I being true to my emotions? Are my emotions on a roller coaster?

6. Am I getting enough sleep? Am I eating too much or not enough? Am I constipated? Am I taking my medication correctly? Have I seen my doctor to review my health? Does my doctor say I’m in good health? Am I practicing good hygiene? 

7. Are my relationships pushing me to make decisions that differ from my wellness? Are my relationships self serving? Am I giving too much to my relationships? Am I strong enough to walk away from my relationships or am I codependent on my relationships?

8. Are my financial decisions justified? Can I afford what I’m buying? Am I impulse buying? 

3. Putting systems in place to obtain, maintain, and exercise wellness. 

If you are not well in one or more areas or want to maintain your wellness, you can put together a wellness plan, which details your definition of wellness, your definitions of not being well, and guided choices to navigate you to staying well.  

Stay tuned on Saturday for a video on how to build your wellness plan.

Reminder about Growth

Hello Everyone! This time of pressure is so rough for all of us. We are stuck at home. We are in a time of clear uncertainty; however, this is a perfect time for us to focus on our growth. This is the moment to take the extra time and recalibrate for what is to come, in the uncertainty. While there are plenty of resources available on how to deal with the anxiety behind the uncertainty (see Resource List -1), once the shock wears off, we are left with idle time, for which we can steward for advancement or complacency (see Matthew 25:14-30). Similarly, in being under a season of pressure, we have an opportunity to be formed like a diamond into something of higher and greater value, but only if we do the work. This is a process I’m going to refer to as leveling up, to be synonymous with exponential growth and maturation (see Reference List for greater context). Nonetheless, taking a look into some of those who grew under pressure, here are a few practical principles I’ve found to level up: 

1. Keep in mind that practically, the only things we can change in this season are ourselves and our perspective. 

   1. Romans 12:2 says for us to not be of the world and to renew our minds to the ways of the Lord. In this, we cannot sit and squander our thoughts and time on wondering why and what we can change. Rather we can use our time for seeking instruction and executing the things of the Lord.

   2. The Lord has given to us the power of free will. While all around us is uncertain politically, financially, physically, we have a basic fundamental power to exercise free will and free thought. The powerful thing about this is we can choose to see this season as a blessing. We can choose to be joyful in this season. While difficult, we can choose to stay grounded in faith and not fear. 

   3. Having a kingdom mindset and understanding that God is ultimately in control, renders us solely dependent to and yielding of his omniscience. With this knowledge, we find peace, (see Resource List-3). 

2. Be faithful in your skills:

   1. When the children of Israel were in the wilderness, the Lord had their promises secured; however, they were not in a place to receive them. He had to refine them. Understanding that, we can’t allow fear, disbelief, or laziness to disqualify us during our growth process. In doing the internal work, we are growing, even if it doesn’t seem like it on the outside. To do this internal work, we must ask ourselves: “Is there anything I need to release to the Lord? More specifically, is there anything I need to trust God with?” 

   2. When Joseph, the son of Jacob, was thrown into the pit by his brothers, then jail, multiple times, he grew through his grateful heart in his talents. Being grateful to God during the journey puts our circumstance into perspective. It keeps the Lord at the head, but also humbles our spirit to have a glimpse into what He is doing. From this, we must ask ourselves: “What is God refining in me? What gifts are he stirring in me?” For Joseph it was his dream interpretation and wisdom.

3. Being obedient: 

   1. God doesn’t call us to a place of opinion when he’s doing something. He calls us to a place of communication and obedience. He wants us to love Him, love ourselves, love others as we love ourselves, fast (seeking direction), and pray(communication) for the purpose of execution (obedience). 

   2. Being obedient is not always easy. Back with Joseph, his obedience cost him some years of his freedom. For us, it may feel like a season of loneliness/isolation, complicated feelings, and/or spiritual heaviness. Understand, Christ has endured all of these and was God.

Knowing all of these things discussed, leveling up takes faith. And faith is work. Work is maturity. And maturity is uncomfortable and very rarely straightforward, when you’re doing it right. 

As we collectively grow together, especially during this time, let’s grow and work diligently, but also realistically, focusing our attention on the only source of peace in this time, Jesus Christ, and building our skills and obedience in Him. 

Resources List: 

1. Elevation Church: “I’m Still Scared”

2. Matthew 25:14-30

3. Transformation Church: “Under Doesn’t Mean Over”

4. https://www.openbible.info/topics/perspective

5. Transformation Church: “Fading Faith”