Last month, the Lord was dealing with me about surrounding myself with jealous individuals. He had been protecting me from them, but he was now opening my eyes to their behaviors and the subsequent effects on me. Long story short, He is preparing me to learn how to deal with jealousy. Dealing with jealousy within yourself is easy. But maturity is in how you choose to deal with jealous individuals.

The jealous scenarios He revealed to me were as simple as kids who would name call when I was younger and as complex as family members who consistently make comments. For years, I was so protected by the Lord that I could neither understand nor care about people's jealousy. Or I would love harder, pick up more insecurities, and accept these dysfunctions.

It took 24 years and the Lord opening my eyes to show me the detriments in all of these. He’s also been showing me how my responses have been sinless, but wrong.

Don’t get me wrong. This is not haters are gon’ hate type of post. I don’t believe that foolishness.

Last week, some of the insecurities relating to one person, in particular, had resurfaced. Side note: Why I didn’t expect this is beyond me, but here we are. My response was initially apathetic. This turned to pride, then anger, and now sadness. All of these responses are wrong, for reasons I’ll discuss shortly.

Let’s be honest, we have all been jealous at one point or another in our lives. I remember being in kindergarten and being jealous of a classmate who had gel pens. It started as consistent compliments, then asking to borrow them, then anger when they didn’t oblige, and even theft. It was a whole thing. This situation resulted in a spanking, me giving that classmate the new pack of gel pens I didn’t know my parents bought me in exchange for the one I stole and losing my best friend. My mom quickly got me in check to learn probably the most valuable lessons about jealousy: What God has for you is for you. Be happy for others’ gifts even if you don’t have it. Lastly, why be jealous when God has given you so much more within yourself.

Taking those lessons into adolescence and adulthood, it’s very rare that I get jealous. Because I’m interested in the journey, if I am “jealous”, I typically ask about someone’s process to get what they have. This is not everyone’s perspective. Typically, the internal response to jealousy is hating, imitation, or hypercritical mockery, as stated before.

Jealousy looks to pick a fight and make you look like the aggressor. For so long, being protected, I would respond by picking up insecurities and changing myself, often minimizing myself to make others feel comfortable. Because of my heart, I want for everyone to “win”. Since jealousy usually makes life competition and goes tit-for-tat, I would give up my calling, hide a trait, or give an idea away for someone to feel like their “winning”.

Last week, I was at a point, where I thought it’d be easier to just quit: quit blogging, quit grad school, quit social media. Maybe if I give up my work they would feel successful? If I need to be the villain for them to succeed, so be it. If I need to be the template to raise their self-esteem concerning my calling (they want to copy), even better. Since I’m the problem, I’ll leave. I will do whatever it takes for you to grow and “win”.

First, this apathy is NOT Christ-centered. Minimizing yourself minimizes your mission to the world. Life, while a collaborative effort, is not a team sport. In the same way, you come into the world, you will leave this world, alone. I cannot hand over my calling to anyone else or minimize my ministry and expect that person to succeed. The Bible says iron sharpens iron, but if I’m not doing what I need to, I’m not sharpening anyone. Lastly, I can neither give up nor compete for MY calling. What God has for me is for me.

From my apathetic mindset, I picked up pride in the willingness to not compete. Taking pride in anything, but Christ alone is futile.

Anywho, these two responses have proven to be “successful”, in that I “fight jealousy with love”. This fake love comes at the cost of personally feeling stifled and the other person usually getting angry. This anger turns to spite to prove their point: more direct comments and/or withdrawing, sulking and playing the victim.

My natural response to this is anger as humanly justified. This response is wrong as well. By the example of Jesus with the Pharisees, you have to love others through your anger. Genuine love is saying the hard truths in love and exposing jealousy for what it is.

Finally, sadness is an unacceptable response to jealousy. I truly feel sad when I realize that no matter what I do, even if it’s exactly what someone feels I should, it will never be enough to satisfy that person’s jealousy. The truth is, while there is room for everyone to win, not everyone wants to win. Some people are content chasing other people’s dreams forever and staying miserable in comparison. There’s nothing I can do about that. I can lead a horse to water, but I can’t make ‘em drink.

So what’s the end-all-be-all? Dealing with jealousy is a part of life. While God protects us from some things, at some point we all have to make decisions in resolving it. You can leave, stay and love, and/or accept it, and have appropriate responses to it. Ultimately, you cannot pick up their jealousy as your insecurity, sin in anger, and/or internalize their struggle.

Moving forward, how am I fixing myself? First, I have to fix my self-esteem and reevaluate my insecurities. I have to undo a lifetime of jealous influence. Second, I’m going to see those encounters for what they are: distractions from my mission. Lastly, learn to love harder. I didn’t know that was quite possible. In the same way that I want others to win, they can. But minimizing myself is stunting everyone’s growth. Be me and love people as I do. If they are jealous or don’t like it, that’s a them-problem, not a me-problem.