5 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Started Dating
I started dabbling with dating at around 15 years old. Over the last almost 10 years, I’ve learned so much about life, love, and relationships from the view of a single woman. So, after much thinking and praying, I’ve compiled a list of 5 things I know now that I wish I knew at 15.
It’s not enough to like each other. It’s so much more complicated than that.
We make it complicated.
Communication helps with that
The heart is deceiving, so what’s love got to do with it?
You can talk yourself into/out of loving anyone and anything
It’s alright to be a sexual being. There’s a sin to be sexual. Don’t act on it. Go to Godly counsel. Talk it out. Be honest.
Ensure that you go into any situation with perceptive eyes and not desiring eyes: saves a world of heartache.
There’s nothing wrong with you: being you, having standards, knowing what you want.
Who says you have to be in relationships?
What’s wrong with singleness again? You can have friends…
There are miles on your heart… Be careful how far you drive it… it may get callous
The answer isn’t Dick/Coochie!
You’re sad, fix it. You’re happy, enjoy it. You’re bored, cure it.
The angry black woman doesn’t need to be dicked down. She needs to be heard.
Remember the gateway to your soul is often between your legs… guard it.
It’s nice to be desired, but it’s unparalleled to be respected.
You can be cordial with ex’s if there’s mutual respect
If you know you’re beautiful, what does it matter
Network and community are more valuable than perception.
While there’s much to be said about relationships, the journey through your love life is an individualized one. don’t believe the Lord wants us to endure the ups and downs of romance. There is a certain level of ambiguity and unknown to every relationship because everyone’s paths are different, but knowing what the Word says and applying it to your boundaries and desires will protect you from years of hurt, pain, and sorrow.
I'm Called, but I'm Scared: Walking into Your Calling NOW!
The Lord rarely places you in your calling at the time you're called. More often than not, in the examples of Joseph, David, and Jesus in the Bible, the Lord will call you and have you wait and mature before giving you the position. These passages are commonly preached from a position of being patient in the waiting and the preparation. But what happens when God says to go?
Recently, I've started two small businesses. In the middle of a pandemic, I thought that I had more waiting to do before these businesses were established. KandidKare, in particular, I've been working in my waiting for 3 years. When the Lord said it was time to launch, I had gotten so comfortable in the waiting I wasn't ready. I had done all of the prep work and all of the formulating, but the feet to faith stirred immense fear.
The nice thing about God is that He will tell you to go at any time, so we must be ready at all times. Had Joseph been too proud to interpret the other prisoner's dream, he would've never walked into his elevation. If David was not confident enough to choose to slay Goliath, he would have never walked into kingship. If Jesus had been to fearful to take up his cross, none of us could be saved. While Jesus is perfect, His example, as well as the others mentioned, proves the point that we must always be ready.
While the Bible doesn't talk about the frame of mind of these individuals in these times, we cannot omit that there may have been a level of fear involved. For Jesus, He asked the Lord to take the cup from Him. For Joseph, he was in the lowest position possible: prison. For David, he was the smallest of his brothers. Undoubtedly, if there was no fear, there probably should have been. But when God calls you and enables you, you must move despite.
As I've discussed over the last few weeks, I have been attacked on every front possible when starting these businesses: the finances don't add up, someone tried to steal my ideas, my family has been attacked, I've lost loved ones, my AC has gone out, imposter syndrome has crept in, and my anxiety has been on 1000%. Even in all of these things, the Lord said NOW!
Even in apparent fear, when called, you go. God doesn't call the qualified, he enables the called. Knowing this, you push through the fear. As Isaiah 6:8 says, "Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, 'Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?' And I said, 'Here am I. Send me!'" Respond to the call, and go.
I wish I had simple steps to help build the faith to overcome fear, but sometimes, it's just that simple. Step out on faith. You might not be able to see the next step, but take it knowing that God has called you and will instruct you accordingly.
Happiness in Every Season
Today's post is a bit of a different one. Attached above is an old video of 19-year-old Mi'Kayla spitting some facts. I discuss how to be happy when you're single. I wanted to clear a few things up.
Being happy is not just a single problem; it's a life problem. Whether we want to acknowledge it or not, happiness is not guaranteed, only joy is. With this, I have been striving for happiness for years. Through this method, and revamping the method over time based on my life changes, I have found happiness even in times of stress, depression, and anxiety.
In the video, I discuss that you should investigate 4 valuable questions: who are you? who do you want to be? what makes you happy? what do you want in a companion?
While I emphasize the first 3 questions in the video, I've come to realize that the last question is very valuable as well. If you are in a space where you are looking to marry, you need to know what you want so that you don't settle for less. At 19, this question wasn't important for me to answer. At 24, it is. Honestly, had I answered it better at 19, I wouldn't have gone through as much as I went through in college relationally.
Even if you have a spouse, knowing what kind of people you want in your space is valuable. So many times we have "friends" in our space that don't serve us and offer traits that lead to the depletion of our happiness. Knowing what character traits are beneficial and harmful to you will help you deal with stressors caused by others.
I also want to clarify that I don't believe God has us in single seasons for a reason. At least, I don't believe it in the context I discuss in the video. I will get to this on another post one day. But I whole-heartedly know that if someone wants to be married, they can be. You don't have to wait for God's timing. A lot of people don't. Note: I don’t ever recommend stepping out of God’s perfect will.
Lastly, being happy in any season is achievable with the first three steps. You have to want it for yourself. This goes back to building a wellness plan. A wellness plan will answer all of these questions and give insight to the intricacies of why certain things make you happy as you build/grow it.
This is not to say that every day you will be happy if you follow these steps because mental illness and circumstantial influences exist. BUT you are more likely to recover from stressors and find your happiness if you follow these steps.
Love your Insecurity
Albeit cliche, loving all of yourself is VITAL to all areas of wellness especially in relationships. Through therapy and self-reflection, self dissection of self-love needs can be assessed. I have entire videos dedicated to my journey through learning to love myself.
But what happens when you get to the things that you don’t like. More specifically, how do you love the insecurities?
Transparency moment, recently, my insecurities have been on high alert. Most of my insecurities stem from my social anxiety and trust issues. With us being quarantined, I’m increasingly insecure as I’m getting less practice overcoming this anxiety. Nonetheless, I’ve come to realize that I cannot fix/work my insecurities away.
So to love my insecurities I’ve investigated: Who is responsible for those insecurities? (In relationships, this is a loaded question.) What happens when I try to resolve it, but the insecurity is still there? What happens if the Lord has me wrestle with it some?
I don’t necessarily have those answers. I don’t think the question should be what is to blame or even how to resolve insecurity. The question is am I willing to allow the Lord to work through them.
So how do I respond to insecurities? Can I allow God to use my insecurities?
Frankly speaking, if the Lord can use a donkey, how much more can he use me? If He can use a murderer, how much more could he use my skeptical heart? If he used a leper, how much more will he use my social anxiety?
My immediate response to insecurity is anger. This goes back to my struggle with perfection. Think about it, a chink in your armor is just a flaw. Insecurity comes from that flaw being consistently exposed. It’s hard for me to deal with the reality that I cannot in my strength overcome these discomforts.
While I have not mastered acceptable responses to insecurity, biblically there are three acceptable response:
So, instead of fighting it, will I allow God to use my insecurity? He already has. There is purpose in my social anxiety. There is validity in the feelings my insecurities provide. The Bible calls for us to be angry, but not to sin. In this, I can get angry about my insecurities, as long as I don’t sin. Similarly, my social anxiety keeps my heart guarded and makes me cautious about the company I keep. I am also more likely to see the world from an outside perspective because I am slower to speak and always listening.
I have come to love these parts of myself. I love that I’m not an extrovert and that I can typically bring calm when I step into a room. I have grown to love that I’m not invited to every space, but that I’m loved in the spaces I’m in.
I wouldn’t have these loves without my insecurities. The obsession with insecurity causes low self-esteem. The dismissal of insecurity causes internal discourse. So I’m not focusing on my insecurities and how they make me feel anymore. I’m going to acknowledge them and allow God to use them for His glory. This new found love will continually mature and strengthen me.
I am a Christian. I am Sexy.
WARNING: Please be advised. The following conversation is controversial but heartfelt. This is what the Lord has been speaking to me. I am willing to discuss this in the comments below. Thank you.
When you look at this picture, how do you react/respond? Do you question my Christianity? Do you question my intelligence? Do you question my dignity? I hope not. Let’s discuss the elephant in the room. I am a sexy woman. While I don’t often lead with my body, you can’t deny that I offer a certain level of sex appeal.
This is not because of what I’m wearing. It’s not because of the make up I have on either. It’s not from the heels I had kicked off or even the body shape under the clothes. Sexiness is a mindset, confidence, and a position (posture).
Let’s go ahead and get this out of the way. Do I believe in the Bible verse that says to not cause your brother/sister to fall? Yes. But I equally believe the verse that talks about sin beginning in the heart. So when I choose to wear a bikini or a tight-fitting dress, the sin is not in my choice. The sin is in the heart first of the person lusting or judging. Logically, I cannot take responsibility for anyone else’s self-control and/or thought processes besides myself.
Equally, we tend to relieve men of their responsibility to have self-control in exchange for the condemnation of women. The Word says, there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus, but there is accountability. Lastly, if sexiness and sexuality are not interchangeable, how are sex “appeal” and sexual response not treated the same?
I am a Christian. I am sexy.
As a satisfied single woman, I’ve been investigating the concepts of sexiness. As someone who grew up in the American church, I've uncovered levels of shame, condemnation, misrepresentation, and judgment on this subject. Young women in the church are groomed to be virtuous cookie-cutter copies of "the perfect" woman (a discussion for another day), but somehow they are not encouraged to exercise their sexiness. There is much talk about modesty, meekness, and misogyny to the point of causing fear for women to be around men they find attractive. There’s no conversation, however, about owning your sexual identity. (I’m not talking about sexuality or sexual exploration.)
Sexual identity has been perverted and demonized. I have heard countless examples of young women who keep their virginity until marriage and then feel ashamed after having sex with their spouse. They had experienced so much condemnation for their sex appeal that they were misinformed on the greatest act of worship.
Because of this, it was important for me to learn my sexiness. The first thing I learned was modesty is not the opposite of sexiness. I have been around some who believe women can’t wear pant. Others feel curly hair is “unprofessional/undone”. Many accept that only skinny women can modestly show their legs. THIS IS RIDICULOUS. Modesty is a human standard, not a biblical standard. (Understand that all verses speaking of modesty were contextually comparing standards of idolatry. In America, we do idolize sex. So no, I don’t believe we should all walk around unclothed, but I do believe there is no shame in shorts and a little mid-drift.).
The next thing I learned is that I wear what I feel led to wear. There is a level of understanding you gain as you are assured and aware of God in your life. This mindset allows you to see the world through a perspective of God’s omniscience and not your impotence. With this mindset, there is no low self-esteem, because you are aware that God has made you in HIS image.
From self-esteem, you build sexiness in confidence. Once you know the truth, you can have confidence in the truth. This confidence affirms what you add to the world and what value you give.
Knowing your value then prompts a posture of worthiness. Not to mistake for boastfulness, but you know you are loved and respected. You’ll begin to carry yourself in such a way that people will know how to treat you based on how you treat yourself.
This is true sexiness.
This sexiness may shine through when you turn heads in a nice dress or catch eyes in a pair of sweats, but regardless, sexiness is not wrong. If you don't own your sexual identity, someone else will determine it for you. Ultimately, to live an abundant life, sexiness has to be embraced.
How to Study the Bible/Execute a Devotion Time with the Lord?
When first coming to Christ, everyone talks about time reading the Bible. This practice is one of the most important to a Christian growth journey. Apart from growing intimacy, the practice of discipline in your devotion to God will steady journey and focus your perspective daily. With this, many people don’t understand how to study the Bible. One of the most common hindrances with reading the Bible is that people find it confusing. Or they feel the Bible is obsolete. This is easily fixed through studying and practice.
A bit of a disclaimer, I’ll be using the phrase “quiet time” synonymous with the time dedicated to reading the Bible and gaining understanding. Also, all of the resources I’m mentioning are hyperlinked to allow you to grab what you need as you read.
How to study the Bible/execute a “quiet time”?
First, you will need a form of a Bible (whether electronic or paper). Also, a journal and writing utensil is recommended. While many people type their notes, writing is better for long term memory storage. Also, there is an array of journaling Bibles that put these two in one place. You may also want to have a computer/phone handy to access some additional resources.
Go into a time of prayer and worship. This focuses the mind on the Lord. The template that Jesus gives for prayer describes that we are to worship Him to align our perspective. Take this time to direct your thoughts. If you have anything pressing on your heart, express it to Him at this time. Also, ask Him to speak and invite Him within your space.
Read/listen to the Bible.
When choosing a scripture, you can use an array of tools such as a devotional, Bible app plan, verse of the day, book, sermon notes, or simply just listen to where the Lord leads you. This is when discerning the voice of God is elevated.
After choosing a passage, read to understand. This goes without saying, but in everything you do, get an understanding. So, when you read, read to understand, not just to say you did it.
Analyze the scripture.
“What is the Lord trying to tell you?” Conclude and try to pull life applications from the passage you read. Try journaling, and add your applications to your journaling.
Read commentary. Many theologians spend their life studying all of the historical and contextual nuances of scripture. You can go and get the understanding for yourself, or if pressed for time, you can get a quick summary from commentary. To find biblical commentary on your specific scripture you can buy a Bible with added commentary or just google it. Please note: commentary is generally from the lens of the author only, so commentary alone is not always enough to study scripture.
Dissect the original text. The Bible is originally written in Hebrew (Old Testament) and Greek (New Testament). Because of this, the many different biblical translations come from different translations from the original text to English. A great way to overcome this is to look at different versions of the text and to analyze the original text. The Bible app allows you to compare different translations, as well as BibleHub.com. However, it only allows you to view different translations for one verse at a time. They also sell Bibles that compare different translations. To compare the original text, I also use BibleHub. From here, you can see a literal translation, and all of the different times specific words are used.
Understand the historical context. Many of the misconceptions in the Word come from lack of context. Understanding historical context can offer a realistic perspective of the text. This can be gained from biblical commentary, but a good Bible that I have used that offers good historical precursors is the Fire Bible. Google is also a great resource.
Understand the chronological context. The Bible is not written in chronological order. As a result, it is often important to understand where in this long love story a passage is presented. This can be found again through additional commentary texts and/or google.
As a last resource, google sermons around particular texts. If you are reading Jonah, google a sermon on Jonah. It’s important to gain the critical analysis skills of the Bible on your own, but if you are questioning, confused, or curious, a good sermon is always helpful
End your time in more prayer, worship, and reflection.
This is the time to journal typically. Allow yourself time to apply and reflect on what you read. Don’t just understand the context of the passage, understand the passage’s context in your life.
Thank the Lord for speaking. His Word is never-changing, but your revelations are ever-growing. It’s an honor that He still inspires our hearts daily.
If you didn’t get a complete understanding, pray, and ask the Lord for clarity and understanding.
If you’re just starting to dig into the Bible for yourself, this may seem like a lot. It can take about 10 minutes in the beginning, and you’ll start with a verse or two. Over time, you should see advancements in your ability to understand and dissect passages. As my walk has progressed, I can sometimes be stuck on one verse for a few days and gain more insight every day. There is no time limit or one size fits all for your quiet time. It is time for you to gain personal intimacy with the Lord and gain greater understanding. So you get out what you put in.
Building Beyond the Basics
According to the Biblical principles, our goal should be maturity, not stagnation or indifference. What happens once you have the basics down? Where do you go and/or how do you mature along your journey as you and your definitions of wellness change?
You have to build beyond the basics. To a certain extent, you have to have a level of intentionality to build beyond your basics to have your basics grow with you. As shared before, wellness starts with a wellness plan for yourself. Whether written or mental, this plan should be a working document. An ever-changing document, but ever-reminding you of who you are as you change. Building beyond the basics starts with recognizing the evolvement of this document.
As the document evolves, your definitions of wellness should evolve and you will begin to need satisfaction in digging deeper into yourself. The chart below describes some simple ways you may build beyond the basics.
Note that your journey is individualized, so these are suggestions. Also, once you’re in the maturing phase you have not arrived. You should always be putting in the work. Take the example of a home. The basics are your foundation. You cannot have a house without a foundation. The building upon the basics is the building of the home. You need stability, support, and siding to protect the home. Maturity is the upkeep of the home. You could have built a home, but if you don’t clean the home and/or keep it up, you will not be able to sustain the home. Your wellness is the same way.
As we move into the second half of 2020. Keep these principles in mind. With this time home and isolated, many of us have focused on re-centering ourselves with the basics, but now to execute our goals for the rest of the year, we must build beyond these basics and begin to mature in our growth.
Living Like You Know You’re Blessed
God promises to exceed all of our basic necessities. He promises to love us, protect us, offer provision for us, and give us guidance in exchange for our submission, obedience, and delight in Him. The technical definition of blessing (God’s favor and protection) proves that we all are afforded a blessed life. So why don’t we act like it?
At times, we become consumed with our hardships, so we discount the blessing. And/or we compare ourselves to others, so we don’t see our blessing. And/or we are so focused on others' blessing, so our jealousy divides us. And/or we believe the lies of the enemy, so we feel unworthy of the blessing. And/or we are simply ungrateful. Either way, the Lord offers it to us freely. He doesn't just stop with the basics, he promises more blessings contingent upon our continued obedience. The Lord speaks of pouring out blessings to those who are poor in spirit; mourners; teachable; hungry for righteousness; and merciful, etc.
Note that these are just scratching the surface of the blessings that God gives. He speaks in the beatitudes of those who are blessed for their traits, but again, how would we walk if we knew we were blessed? We would be secure in our blessing and devoted to our walk. This requires us to mind our business.
Growing up I was taught a phrase that comparison is the thief of joy. When you realize you’re blessed you can’t look at others because you are focused on seeing yourself for blessed. You allow gratitude, devotion, and peace to exude from your investigation of your blessing.
When you know you’re blessed you walk differently, talk differently, and execute life differently. There’s a Christ-centered confidence in you. Obedience is immediate. Lies are dispelled. You are hungry to know the Lord and execute your mission for Him. You don’t have time to worry about someone’s race. You aren’t concerned with someone’s sexual orientation. You could care less about someone else’s wife.
To sum it all up, in simple, JUST MIND YOUR BUSINESS! As the millennials say, mind the business that pays you. When you’re blessed you are so consumed with your relationship with God and the blessings associated that you don’t have time to look to the right or to the left. You are engulfed in Him solely, keeping God first and yourself second. Not in a narcissistic way, but from a place of gratitude, devotion, and peace. You're working in a way such that you are devoted to your mission and obedient to your work. Loving others and not judging others. That’s living the blessed life. That’s living like you know you’re blessed.
“If you fully obey the Lord your God and carefully follow all his commands I give you today, the Lord your God will set you high above all the nations on earth. All these blessings will come on you and accompany you if you obey the Lord your God: You will be blessed in the city and blessed in the country. The fruit of your womb will be blessed, and the crops of your land and the young of your livestock—the calves of your herds and the lambs of your flocks. Your basket and your kneading trough will be blessed.” Deut. 28:1-5
Biblical Understanding of Fasting and Praying
In the spiritual and social traumas we are facing, I find it necessary to discuss in detail praying and fasting, the first principle that takes your spiritual life from milk to meat. Note that God calls us to fasting and praying (Matthew 6:16-18). While voluntary, it is an expectation of your walk with Him for purposes of communication, devotion, reevaluation, repentance, and direction.
What is prayer? Prayer at its core is simply communicating with God. In the way that Adam and Eve once communed with God by engaging in listening and speaking, prayer is the two way communication between you and God.
How do we pray? Speaking to God is very simple. Think about what you’re trying to say, and ensure that you say it straight to Jesus. You can do this in thought process (from your heart), or out loud (from your mouth). Regardless, it’s the content of your heart the Lord hears and evaluates (1 Samuel 16:7). If following the template that Jesus gave in the Lord’s prayer (Matthew 6), you should never forget to discuss your dependence on Him, His magnitude/your worship of Him, your personal asks of Him, His direction for you, and His will for you. It’s not necessary to be formal. We can come before the Lord humbly (1 Peter 5:6-7, 2 Chronicles 7:14) with boldness (Hebrews 4:16) for the expectation of meeting Him in that moment (Jeremiah 29:12-13).
The equally important part of prayer is receiving a word back from him. While discerning the voice of God is a deeper conversation, the voice of the Lord boils down to what he’s given in His Word (2 Timothy 3:16). Instinctively, the simplest way to hear the voice of God and know it’s the voice of God is to read your Bible. There you will read the unadulterated words of the Lord for your life. Discerning the Word’s significance for our life comes as you open your heart and ask the Lord to reveal to you what it is that you need to know (Hebrews 4:12).
Why is prayer important? If we’re talking physically, regardless of personality type, the heart, mind, and soul are the core of our rationale. Our heart, the throne of the mind, is susceptible to swaying based on what we perceive to be our reality (Jeremiah 17:9). Prayer when coupled with principles of humility, earnestness, transparency, and righteousness, forces our mind to have a Christ-centered perspective. This perspective is what aligns our will with God’s will. Prayer provides a safe space for stress management, allowing us to put our anxieties on the Lord. This release, again, allows us to acknowledge that the Lord is greater than any of our problems. Prayer also allows a space for intimacy with the Lord. When done earnestly, prayer allows us to open ourselves up to the Lord in our purest form by which we build a stronger relationship with him.
Fasting is the practice of depriving yourself for the purpose of hearing, receiving direction, repenting, asking for favor, and drawing deeper intimacy from the Lord. In this process, you go into a state of seeking and surrendering unto the Lord. While fasting is an outward practice, it is coupled with an inward change of heart by which you become tunnel visioned on the Lord. There are three basic types of fasts: a Daniel fast, by which you give up all sugars and foods not directly from the earth; a liquids only fast, by which you give up all solid foods; and an absolute fast, by which you drink and/or eat nothing. Practically speaking, aside from daily necessities, times of fasting are to be devoted to studying the Word and prayer, keeping out outside distractions to help with focus and resolve. In these outward practices coupled with prayer, inward devotion and alignment should be talking place.
For the times that we are facing, fasting and praying are a necessity to ensure that we are doing what God would like over our passions. There seems to be no right answer and lots of opinions concerning racial tensions within America. Regardless of belief, we should always consult the Lord on such matters. For such a time as this, I find it appropriate to fast and pray. While I must note that both fasting and praying are independent disciplines to be done voluntarily and within the confines of your personal relationship with God, I urge us all to take time to fast, pray, and seek the Lord.
From the examples of Ester (Ester 4), we can go before the Lord in a time of prayer and fasting for deliverance, protection, wisdom, and favor. In this time, we need all of that and some. Not to fast in vain, I’d like to discuss briefly the concept and blessings of true fasting (Isaiah 58).
In this chapter, those who were fasting had been doing so from a place of vanity and selfishness. They were blinded by their own sin and had no humility, obedience, or righteousness in their motivations. The Lord then gives instructions for how to truly fast with true inward intention that is shown through outward expression. He gives the following practical steps:
Get yourself right with the other people around you. Don’t do wrong against them. Stop oppressing others (physically, metaphorically, emotionally, etc.).
Be loving. Don’t just make it right. Love. Show love. Have your inward expression of forgiveness, empathy, grace, and love, shown through acts of service.
Don’t point your fingers at others, fix your own heart.
Be careful not to speak wickedly.
Be obedient. Delayed or omitted disobedience is still disobedience.
Be repentant.
Be earnest. All of these things must be done in honesty and out of the transformation of your heart. Not under empty ritual or from a place of lackluster service.
In exchange for these steps being both followed and internal change implemented, the Lord promises to:
“Loose the bonds of wickedness, undo the heavy burdens…” These being direct results of our actions.
Give you healing, provision, righteousness, protection, favor, guidance, legacy, soulful satisfaction, honor/prestige among your peers, and hear your prayers.
In this time when we need healing, provision, righteousness, protection, favor, guidance, protection of our legacy, legacy, soulful satisfaction, peace, honor, intimacy with Him, and grace, I personally will be fasting. I will be obedient for such a time as this to intercede on behalf of our country, generations, and brothers/sisters. For you it might be interceding on behalf of the country or world, or simply interceding for your family. Either way, when we fast, pray, and seek the Lord, we need to do so earnestly and unto God.
The Blessing of Starting over
Recently, in my research I hit a place where I had been working on the same project for over a year. I am not quite sure if this is normal (that’s a whole other discussion). Up until this point in my research, I was spending as little as 4 months and as long as 9 months on a project. So working for over a year, with very little to show for it, has not been easy to deal with. However, I can say with a new confidence that today is June 12, 2020, and I’ve finished about 66% of the calculations, but at the cost of starting over.
If you haven’t seen my yearly review from last year, I discuss in greater detail this process, but the Lord has been seeing if I trust Him with my time. Specifically, will I allow Him to dictate my time over my immediate plan (Prov.19:21; Eccl. 3:1; Jeremiah 29:11, Prov. 3:4-5). As someone who is both goal driven and time oriented, this has been a JOURNEY to say the least. More recently, the Lord has been working on me about the process of starting over and the time it takes to do so.
While somewhat true, for the cases of examples like Jonah, starting over has a negative association. I was always taught that if you didn’t pass a test that God had before you that you would continue to go through that test until you choose to do it God’s way. This is not synonymous with starting over. Take the example of Jonah, after his disobedience, God told him to go back and make it right. This may seem like he was put back where he should have started. If you dissect this scripture, though, you’d realize that he was both behind and ahead of where he started simultaneously. (For my math minded individuals, he was a bit tangent to God’s original course for his life.) With this, there were negative consequences for his initial disobedience, but redemptive contingencies for his ultimate deliverance of the message.
Nonetheless, it seems a bit redundant, in our minds, for the Lord to ask us to start over. In my case, after a year of what I perceived to be hard work, I had hit a stagnation in my research. I had holes in the thought process I never filled. I had future problems I couldn’t solve because I had overlooked the past problems. Ultimately, I was so unorganized and disheveled trying to put the pieces together I couldn’t progress. So the Lord spoke to me and told me to start over. Start from the very first research paper read and the very first calculation done.
(Side note: this devastated me. I’m not going to act like I didn’t cry, because I did. I was putting in 10-12 hours a day consistently for about two weeks trying to put the pieces together before this happened and all of that cramming effort felt to be of no use. I had the vision to see the shift that needed to happen, but nominally, it needed to be done.)
All of this to say, once I started over, I can say with confidence that within about a month, I’ve managed to get about 66% of the work done, which is significantly more than I had at the year mark. Beyond my research progression, the Lord was grooming me with three lessons (Each of these points are backed up in scripture. See below):
Submission: He was removing my dependence from myself to Him. I know for a fact that I struggle with pride and idol worship of my education. At this level in my educational career, though, I’ve realized that it’s not about the smarts or hard work. My PhD boils down to prayer, fasting, wisdom, and understanding. Meaning that, no matter how hard I study, or how many hours I put in, God has to be in it, because my earthly best will never be enough.
Restoration/Renewing of the perspective: He was renewing my mind (restoration). Starting over seems negative because you are doing something you seemingly have done before. The difference the second time is that you have context and insight. These two keys are what makes the walk different. The Word says to “be transformed by the renewing of your mind” (Romans 12:2). The word for renew in the Greek is anakainōsei. The word literally translates to renewal, renovation, restore, complete change for the better. If you allow God to renew you/restore your view, you allow him to change your perspective. There is a renovation that is taking place. In the same way with an older home, the structure is fine, but the fixtures greater influence the price. This breeds a new expensive and expansive view of the situation. So, as the Lord is restoring you, renewing you, and renovating your old patterns, your new path is privy to the context and insight that you either missed or needed to acquire. From these, you are bound to get much further along any journey (Isaiah 43:18-19).
Refreshment/Revelation of his faithfulness. He was teaching me the power of refreshment. Once I had surrendered my posture, my perspective, and my project to the Lord, I was able to indulge in a time of refill from the Lord. While I’m putting in way more hours on the back end, over the last month, the Lord has given me a new level of devotion and diligence in my research. I’m getting faster, stronger, and smarter in ways I didn’t believe to be possible. Ultimately appropriately refilling my faith in God and my obedience.
While the Lord did these things for me, per the Bible he can do them for you. He shows this example through the life and call of Moses.
When Moses was called to free the Israelites, he had already started a new life that he had forged, but the Lord was calling him to something greater than himself, which required him to “start over”. He was called to return from where he had come and to face not only his shortcomings, but work through his defining inhibitions (speech impediment) for God’s purpose (to speak on behalf of the children of Israel). The first thing that God asked of Moses, though, was to submit himself to the plan. He had to depend solely on God and not his relationships, his abilities, or his status.
God then had Moses take on His perspective. He had to see God for his omniscience, and position himself accordingly to be a vessel for his purpose. When the Lord was sending the plagues, do you not think that Moses was afraid and questioning the plan? Who would’ve known that it would have taken 10 plagues to get Pharaoh to soften his heart enough to give a reneged freedom decree? Only God. The Word even says that the Lord had to go above and beyond so that Moses and the children of Israel “would know that I am the Lord” (Exodus 10:2). In this, the Lord was solidifying Moses’ perspective of his role and God's splendor.
Lastly, while in the midst of the deliverance, the Lord was revealing his faithfulness and refilling Moses for him to continue in his purpose. When he split the Red Sea and lead the people through, the Word says, “the people feared the Lord and put their trust in him and in Moses his servant"(Exodus 14:29-31). Once the Lord had shown Moses a bit of the reward of his obedience, Moses had gained the trust of the people and the favor of the Lord.
I tell you all of this to say simply, there is a particular joy that comes from the Lord starting you over. The start over may be the beginning of a new journey all together. There is an importance to the process of renewal, restoration, and revamping. There is a joy in it. Note that Moses’ greatest season was in the midst of him being turned around. While I don’t feel as though this project is the height of my journey, it is significant for me in the now. There’s no way that Moses would’ve known when the Lord called him at the burning bush that he was going to change the trajectory of an entire people group. In the same way, only God knows what your turning around can lead you to.
Mid-Year Motivation: What's planned for June?
Hello All!
This month on the blog, I’m planning the content all about the mid-year motivation. In the video, is a brief description of the weekly breakdown.
June 7-13: Self Care
June 14-20: Grow to Grow up! Restarting, revamping, and renewing yourself
June 21-27: How to walk blessed?!
June 28-30: Beyond the basics.
In the attached video, I give a disclaimer for the month to get you both pumped and ready (5:22). I hope this excites you all as much as it does for me.
Until the next post, bye!
My Journey Growing through Church Hurt
Hello Everyone,
Today's video is all about growing through church hurt for the purpose of improving spiritual wellness. In this video, I'm talking about my journey growing up in church and some of the spiritual growth lessons I've learned as I'm healing from a lifetime of church hurt. I hope this video encourages some of you in your healing process, and motivates you to use your church hurt as a catalyst for your personal growth.
8 Tools to Grow through Church Hurt
Over the last few weeks, I’ve been praying and studying specifically on the hinderances that I face within my own growth. When evaluating my spiritual growth, it’s simple to identify what I’ve overcome. But it’s difficult to share the things that I haven’t conquered and even harder to find solutions.
With this, church hurt is a huge hurtle in my growth journey. While I will speak more on my experiences on Saturday’s post, I often struggle to overcome thoughts of discouragement, lack of trust in community, lack of trust in leadership and authority, as well as feelings of disdain and disgust towards the American church. After years of wrestling with this hurt, I have come to see my part to play in the disconnect between the local church and myself. As a believer in Jesus who is aware of the divisive scheme of the enemy, I am guilty of relishing in my hurt and not growing THROUGH my circumstance. As I’m still growing and learning, I saw it fit to invite my mom to be a guest writer on the blog today, as she encourages us all on how to grow through church hurt and allow it produce growth within us. Enjoy.
Do not repay anyone evil for evil? Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it DEPENDS on you, live at peace with everyone. Romans 12:17-18
For many of us, we have been hurt in the church. Be it, back stabbing, someone lying/gossiping about you or someone telling you that you are not bearing fruit. What ever it may be, it is your duty to continue to serve our Lord and Savior. Yes, you can be mad even angry but don’t let that keep you away. True story, when I was hurt in the church, I was pissed (can I say that without getting thrown out of the church). I was so upset to the point that I no longer wanted to be a part of a church, let alone mingle with church folk. After about two weeks, I was awaken by the Holy Spirit. The Lord, begin to minister to me. So, here are a few nuggets that I have used not only to overcome church hurt, but hurt from other people.
1. Redirect your hurt
Take the same energy you have/had of replaying the incidents over and over in your head and put it towards knowing our Lord better. How does that look? Intentionally getting before the Lord. If you already don’t have an established a quiet time, establish one. During this time, read His word, pray, ask questions of him, listen, and worship.
I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With Him at my right hand, I will not be shaken (Psalms 16:8 NIV)
2. Reconcile/Confront
After you have had time to calm down and seek the Lord. I would suggest that you go to the individual and share your heart. Reconcile your differences. Do you have to agree? NO, but you do have to walk in the ministry of reconciliation.
All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:18 NIV)
3. Grace
Extend to the individual(s) the same grace that Christ has extended to you.
For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23 NIV)
Yet God, in his grace, freely makes us right in his sight. He did this through Christ Jesus when he free us from the penalty for our sins (Romans 3:24 NLT)
Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need (Hebrews 4:16 NIV)
Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love (Ephesians 4:2 NLT)
4. Forgive
Yes, you have to forgive to move forward. Not just through lip service, but in your heart. If you are anything like me, this may take some time. However, when the situation tries to creep up in our mind (and it will because you have decided to handle the situation the way God would like you to), turn that negativity into positivity. Tell yourself, better yet say it out loud something like, “I will not dwell on this situation, my God has equipped me to fully forgive and love.” I know that all things work together for the good to those who love and are called by Christ. Also, check yourself by reminding yourself that you have messed up and will continue to mess up and you would like folks to forgive you. Remember forgiveness is for YOU. You want to walk in your freedom, right.
Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you MUST forgive others (Colossians 3:13 NLT)
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, jus as Christ God forgave you (Ephesians 4:32 NIV)
5. Responsibility
Take responsibility for your part. Did you misunderstand the situation; did you retaliate; did you speak out of anger; hold a grudge; never communicate your feelings etc? I can go on and on, but you get my point. There are two sides to every story with two different perspectives. And yes, we will always be right in our own eyes, but it is not about being right. Its about keeping peace amongst one another. We have to live in a kingdom mindset, not a “me” mindset.
For we are responsible for our OWN conduct (Galatians 6:5 NLT)
Whoever sows to please their flesh from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirt will reap eternal life (Galatians 6:8 NIV)
6. Restored
Be restored by His word.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a WILLING spirit, to sustain me (Psalms 51:12)
Dear brothers and sisters, I close my letter with these last words: Be joyful. Grow to maturity. Encourage each other. Live in harmony and peace. Then the God of love and peace will be with you (2 Corinthians 13:11 NLT)
7. Pray
Pray for the individual/church that has hurt you. I promise this is part of the healing process. I would also encourage you to not be selfish. Don’t pray ill will. Pray for God to bless them. Don’t allow your hurt to get in the way of your healing?
Confess your sins to each other and PRAY for each other so that you may be HEALED. The earnest prayer of the righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results (James 5:16)
So then, let us aim for harmony in the church and try to build each other up (Romans 14:19)
But you, dear friends, must build each other up in your most holy faith, pray in the power of the Holy Spirit and await the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ, who will bring you eternal life. In this way, you will keep yourselves safe in God’s love (Jude 1:20 NLT)
8. Walk in your God given gift
For God’s gifts and His call can never be withdrawn (Romans 11:29 NLT)
My prayer is that you fully heal from church hurt and not allow it to hinder your growth any longer. Move forward, In the name of Jesus! Walk out your God given purpose, utilize your giftings, build the kingdom of God. Find you a body of believers who love God and want to see his kingdom grow. I leave you with these last bible verses:
“Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will grant you his blessings. For the Scriptures say, “If you want to enjoy life and see many happy days, keep your tongue from speaking evil and your lips from telling lies. Turn away from evil and do good. Search for peace, and work to maintain it. THE EYES OF THE LORD WATCH OVER THOSE WHO DO RIGHT, AND HIS EARS ARE OPEN TO THEIR PRAYERS. But the Lord turns his face against those who do evil.” (1 Peter 3:9-12 NLT)
Don't Just Start your Spiritual Journey, Exercise Spiritual Maturity to Propel your Wellness
Hello Everyone! On the blog this week we have been focusing on how to start a spiritual journey to ultimately impact our wellness journeys. I this video, you will find a synopsis of how to start your spiritual journey, how to mature in your spirituality, and how to know when you're growing.
If you're interested in an in-depth view of how to start your spiritual journey, check out the full blog post here where I give a roadmap for where to begin: http://www.kandidkayla.com/blog/2020/4/30/starting-your-spiritual-journey-to-continue-your-wellness-journey
Also, if you're interested in skimming through the video, here is a table of contents for all of the information:
1:00 Summary of starting your spiritual journey
2:26 How to mature?
9:23 Measuring/Benchmarking Maturity
I hope this video really helps you all on your journey! Stay tuned for next week, where we'll be talking about how to overcome hinderances to your spiritual growth.
kandidkayla.com/blog
Starting Your Spiritual Journey to Continue your Wellness Journey
While I’ve been told in the past it’s what holds me back, my spirituality has always been a staple to my life. Not to discredit my parents’ teaching, my spirituality has long been very individualized to the point of dragging my parents to the church house during some seasons. With its significance, it is assumed that my faith would ground my wellness. While I understand my journey is not the norm, everyone’s biases are rooted in their fundamental beliefs. Whether instilled by our parents or experienced for ourselves, there comes a time at which we must define our spiritual foundations and use them as the guidance for our life decisions. In the context of wellness, all facets of wellness are interconnected, so what you believe will determine what you consider to be well. Ultimately the spiritual foundation is what marks the standard.
Starting A Spiritual Journey
To start your spiritual journey you need to determine, with full clarity, what it is exactly that you believe. As is the theme in wellness, it takes some soul searching to do this. I am a Christian, for which I believe in God coming in human form by way of a man named Jesus (Emmanuel). This man then was willingly murdered for the atonement of my sins and rose from the dead three days later, only to later ascend back to His position in heaven leaving the Holy Spirit, the unseen ever present help, behind until Jesus’ return to take me to heaven. For you, this may not be what you believe, for which is acceptable, so long as you are clear and definitive on what and why you believe. The most important things to note when understanding and establishing faith basics are 1) on a basic level what do you believe (ex. The sky is blue) 2) how does that affect who you are and your decision making (ex. The sky will always be blue, so I don’t have to worry about it being green) 3) for where do you garner hope (ex. As long as the sky is blue, I can have hope for future blue skies).
Once you’ve determined what it is you believe, what are the most important aspects of what you believe with relation to your part in your faith? For me, believing in Jesus’ death and resurrection, I find it important that He has all power; all knowledge; and is personally invested in who I am. These principles allow me to focus on the relationship aspect of my faith, and my part in the relationship.
Secondly, you can choose to incorporate this mindset into who you are and your decision making. Since I believe in Jesus’ power, knowledge, and investment in me, I can go without worry daily and make decisions knowing that if He told me to do it, I’m going to succeed.
Lastly, even if not a definitive answer, knowing explicitly for why you live and for what you can have hope for in trying times. I live knowing that God has destined my life for a specific purpose, as a part of his master plan. In hard times, I remember that the same person who forged the stars and animals knows me by name for which He wrote my plan— good, bad, and ugly— for his ultimate glory.
So, in starting your spiritual journey and applying such principles to your wellness, you just have to make a daily effort for your belief principles to be important. From the view of my relationship with God, I just chose to start. I said a prayer, declaring that God was Jesus and vice versa, that I believe He died and resurrected, and that He did so for the forgiveness of my instinctive wrongful nature. The day after, I started my journey, and everyday I do the same. I make my spiritual principles important that day.
In my relationship, such is the same in any relationship, communication (to include talking and listening) is key. I cannot expect to know someone I never talk to, so I pray in an effort to speak to Him. In the same way, I hear from Him best when reading and studying my Bible, so I make significant time for that as well. Similarly, on any spiritual journey, as you grow and change it’s important to keep reevaluating your beliefs and making yourself knowledgeable. For me, that comes in the form of challenging my principles, reading my Bible, and researching anything I don’t understand. This brings about clarity and establishes self thought. While there is no single cut and dry way to a spiritual journey, ultimately making it a priority is what allows you to build goals and systems around it. As you walk your spiritual journey, there should be some maturity that takes place within yourself. This maturity will be what helps to propel your wellness maturity. Come back to hear what I have to share about wellness maturity during my blog post on Saturday.
If you would like to know more about Christianity and salvation please see the attached link: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans%2010:8-10&version=NIV
Methods to Set up Systems of Wellness
Hello Everyone!
I close out our discussion about systems of wellness, I found the following links particularly helpful. These resources give examples for which you can go from a goal minded form of wellness to a systems minded daily ideal of wellness.
To accompany these videos, I’ve uploaded a podcast style video about my journey with creating systems of wellness and some examples of systems that you may be able to change and adapt for your life.
A Look into My Intentional Wellness Journey
As a bonus this week, I’d like to post my yearly review of 2019. This video will give you a bit of insight into my personal wellness journey: Why I really got serious about wellness? and Different principles of wellness I’ve tried?
Similarly, there’s some great gems about the prep work it took for me to build my systems of wellness. If you’d like to skip through the video, here are some great time links fo you:
2:28 Summary of Q1: Sickness
08:15 Summary of Q2: Recovery
10:14 Practical steps I put in place to start my wellness journey
12:16. Summary of Q3: Enacting systems of wellness
15:00. Summary of Q4: Doing the work
20:38. Relationships?
23:48. Goals and Accomplishments
I know the video is long, but it is a full view into my life and thought process. I hope it brings some hope to you all!
Building a Basic Wellness Plan
Hello Everyone!
Today’s post is a quick video on wellness plans: what are they? and how to start building one? The video is a bit long, but information heavy. I hope it encourages you all on your journey!
Defining Wellness, Identifying When You're Not Well, etc.
Hello Everyone!
This week on the blog we are talking all about basic principles of wellness. On a basic level, per Webster-Mariam dictionary, wellness is the practice, quality, or state of good health as an actively sought goal. Good health from a holistic point of view is good spiritual, mental, emotional, physical, relational, and financial health. As described in the most recent IG post, wellness is defined differently from one person to another. While there may be some overlaps between your wellness and someone else’s, a well life is not a monolithic experience. With that being said, when living a well life, you have to do three basic things: 1. Define/Understand Wellness for yourself. 2. Identify when you are not well. 3. Put systems in place to obtain, maintain, and exercise wellness.
Defining and Understanding Wellness for yourself.
While there are many resources available on wellness, no one can tell you what makes you well. Wellness is an internal conversation. However, to help, I have compiled a list of questions that should help with understanding yourself, and to spark internal dialogue to lead to your understanding of wellness.
Are you aware of your emotions, thoughts, and how your body feels? What does a good day look like for you? What does a bad day look like for you? How does a good day make you feel? How does a bad day make you feel? When you feel good, what kind of thoughts do you have? When you are feeling bad, what kind of thoughts do you have? When you are feeling bad, do you neglect to go to work or handle responsibilities you have? How often do you have good days in relation to bad days? Does physical activity increase your mood? How often do you engage in thirty minutes or more of physical activity/ sunlight exposure? Do you have hope? Where do you garner your hope from? What positive qualities do you like in your relationships? Do your finances cause you anxiety/ sleepless nights? Do conversations about your finances influence your mood?
Now, take all of these answers into account. To define your wellness not as the feelings that you have on a good day, but the feelings, actions, and responses you have on an average day that are lacking on a bad day. How would you define wellness for yourself?
2. Identifying when you are not well.
Once defining wellness for yourself. It’s equally as important to know when you are not well. Similarly, asking yourself the following questions can help to understand when you are not well:
Am I being self aware: Am I being true to myself? Am I living for myself or for other’s validation?
Are my spiritual, mental, emotional, physical, relational, and financial wellness aligned?
Do my actions reflect my beliefs?
Am I clear in thought? Am I struggling to make decisions?
Am I being true to my emotions? Are my emotions on a roller coaster?
Am I getting enough sleep? Am I eating too much or not enough? Am I constipated? Am I taking my medication correctly? Have I seen my doctor to review my health? Does my doctor say I’m in good health? Am I practicing good hygiene?
Are my relationships pushing me to make decisions that differ from my wellness? Are my relationships self serving? Am I giving too much to my relationships? Am I strong enough to walk away from my relationships or am I codependent on my relationships?
Are my financial decisions justified? Can I afford what I’m buying? Am I impulse buying?
3. Putting systems in place to obtain, maintain, and exercise wellness.
If you are not well in one or more areas or want to maintain your wellness, you can put together a wellness plan, which details your definition of wellness, your definitions of not being well, and guided choices to navigate you to staying well.
Stay tuned on Saturday for a video on how to build your wellness plan.